My new months resolution is to write. Just write. Anything… Rhymes, poetry, book/movie/album reviews, screenplays, extraterrestrial restaurant menus, love letters (for money)…ANYTHING. The reason behind this my dear reader is that I want to write for a living. Why :
-It sounds so cool to say stuff in interviews like “the first five chapters were written in the south of France while I stayed in, (hypothetical future famous painter, architect, actor, art critic, photographer etc.), Fabian Leland’s Summerhouse. That would probably explain why you notice a looser, more carefree poetic candence in the ramblings of Edwardo, the story’s reluctant protagonist’s inner child, compared to the other chapters which I wrote in my upstate New York penthouse...yadah, yadah, yadah! ”
-I owe a few people book dedications and appreciations.
-I want to be financially independent by 30 (approximately 2500 days left! Work!)
-I want to work from home, be around my wife and kids everyday (unless I’m on a world wide book signing tour thing or on Oprah).
-I will never win the Nobel price for anything I don’t have a passion for (inner Chemist be warned). Its not that I want to be famous its just that I want people to appreciate me for my mind rather than my exotic good looks, firm abs and the sexual tension which naturally oozes out of me.
-I don’t want to work for your father or for mine
So I’ll be blogging as much as I can, without distracting for my presently more important project (a collection of short stories), Work on developing enough skills to write that Pulitzer or maybe just Booker price winning novel…okay I’ll settle for first place on some dubious internet writing contest where the 1st to 2500th prize is to get your poem published, but then you have to “send $35 for your own copy of this concise anthology of modern writing” in which your, rather dubious poem will be published, with those of a million other suckers!!!…What am I saying, been there, done that. “Rae, stick with the program, proceed!”
New stuff I discovered about myself (I’m not talking about hair in strange places)
-I can’t listen to music and write at the same time
-Strangely I can watch T.V and write at the same time (MTV is confusing and I’m yet to try writing with porn)
-Contrary to the above I write faster and more effectively while listening to instrumentals (most preferably the ones I made myself, www.soundclick.com/bohemianbboyproduction , must be some Pavlovian conditioning thing with the gazillion raps I’ve written to beats)
-I’ld be a much better writer if MSword didn’t come with word count (just 462 in like 20 minutes! I need to take a typing course).
-“Once efo has been in the freezer you can’t use it anymore?” says wise Old-earth to her culinary skill-deficient seed. I didn’t know that. I don’t see how this applies to me or affects my existence in anyway (oh…or could it be the same for marijuana! It’s for my glaucoma).
-72 hours is the maximum amount of time I can go without taking a bath (former record of 1 ½ weeks is now untouchable *sob*) or I’ll just die of mysterious causes in my sleep.
-My dream of achieving 5 hours of tantric sex, like my life-mentor Sting once did, is no longer attainable. With the discovery and acceptance of the fact that I can’t do anything for more than 3hrs unless we’re talking sleep (an area in which I excel). Yawn.
-I like reading blogs. Yawn.
-I’m better than my mum at minesweeper (either with a touch pad or mouse). I’m probably better than your mum too! Bring it on!
Women send the darndest (not a real word) SMSes #1:
Inspiration for a short story in research phase-
-GV TAO NO ITCHIG T SPK T HM PLS THANK
Sent by Mama (My Grandma)-
This sms took a molue full of family, friends, drinking associates and random strangers to decode. After being passed through an alien language translator, it reads as: “give Taofiq (my “lonely-Londoner” lifestyle living brothers name- he hasn’t tried to catch any Trafalgar pigeons for dinner…yet) my number itching to speak to him please thanks”. Now before anybody is stupid enough to think that this reflects anything, apart from my granny’s extraordinary abbreviation skills, can I ask how many of your Mamas can send text? If I had her number or even knew she had gotten a cell phone before I got this text I would have probably figured this out with the help of just a danfo load of peeps.
-was up,hp ur jacking well.jus found out I gv u wrong info.Women dnbleed 4 up 2 a week after givin birth.The max dey bleed 4 is 3days.Hp u feel relieved now.
Sent by PXQCC3 (Psychotic ex-QC chic she’s no. 3, in order of decreasing insanity, cause I know like 6 of them)-
This was a weird one because I don’t remember us ever having that conversation…well actually thinking about it now, I do. But I don’t remember being that concerned about that particular detail. It started with the pills for menstrual cramps I found in her bag and just…
Hhuuuunn! (Sound of throat clearing), To those ladies who are interested in sharing an eternity (or at least a meaningful overnight relationship) with me, it would be good news to you to know that I’m now well educated on such feminine subjects as PMSing, Menstrual cramps, mood swings, menopause and the effect of abortion on the baby-machine. Marry me!
See you next blog from more interesting SMSes (plus in-depth analysis) from PXQCC2, PXQCC4, PXQCC5 and other women in my life…including some saved msn convos with PXQCC1 would probably lead to a QC psycho overdose, so I won’t…WTF was in the water in that school? DDT? Ecstasy? essence of M&B? NAFDAC be informed.
GOD BLESS THE EGYPTIANS!!!
The ones next door that is, I don’t think the old man in the sky was that proud of their ancestors believe in dual divinity (He’s a bachelor! Duh!) And their insulting attempts at sneaking slaves and pets into heaven…probably why he put an end to the progress of their civilization, Apparently heaven has very strict immigration laws.
Ancient Egypt aside I speak of our neighbor/tenants, employees of ARAB contractors/construction (if you live on or around the island you may have run into a couple of them- strange pale men, with the eternal essence of garlic on their breathes, who drive around in beat-up yellow pickups terrorizing unsuspecting folk with cold foreign ice-grills).
What have they done to deserve Allah’s benevolence and mercy, you ask? They’ve suggested hooking us up to their generator, which is always on stand-by round the clock (or as I suspect their house boy, A rather funky chap by the name of Samuel, may just be a retired Olympic sprinter). Now this is rather good news considering the fact that our gen has an attitude problem and the last time I checked on it, it said some really crude stuff to me, which I have too much dignity to reprint here. I have therefore decided to change my attitude towards them and will be nice whenever I can. Unless they try to talk me into purchasing prostitutes on their behalf, which is something they would eventually do if you get too close to them. Samuel has learnt this lesson a few years too late. (Coincidentally, as I reread this paragraph NEPA, NEP plc., NPHC, DICKS, or whatever they’re calling themselves these days, strike. I’m dying for that hookup).
GUESS WHO’S ON 3rd, 2nd AND 1st ?
(Note: I didn’t c & p this off www.ohhla.com or www.rapreviews.com I typed it all my widdle self. Employ me!)
Be on the look out for Lupe Fiasco’s debut album “Food and Liquor” executive produced by Mr. S Dot himself droping soon. Do a search on www.webjay.org to get 9 free Lupe tracks!!!
THE END
Oh before I get sued the whole MS Word thing was just my overactive imagination. Although, we the members of the organization of visitors to earth from non-hostile galaxies (abbreviate yourself!) are EXTREMELY PISSED that the word ALIEN doesn’t auto-capitalize (and so are our Mexican, Nigerian, Jamaican and Ghenien friends in Diaspora)!!! 1.
p.s
Check www.soundclick.com/illalliance for my new joint champagne supanova soon to feature DECK THE NEXUS.
1 comment:
yo. if you really do get a collection of short stories, holla at your boy. been thinking about getting into reading stuff but novels are too long.
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