LOST HOPE or was it hope lost (same difference)?

A movie review of sorts:

This cinematographic masterpiece opens with a series of short scenes, intentionally blurred to soften our hearts Walt Disney-style, showing a love-struck couple horse riding, holding hands, rolling in the grass, visiting the zoo and doing stuff that love-struck people normally do (on what planet…please). Zack Orji stars as Mark…wait a minute did I just say Zack Orji…Oh yes I deed, I deed…Now don’t get it twisted I’m not one to go crazy over Nigerian home videos in fact my track record, for never having completed watching any Nigerian movie after starting, was intact until this very morning (no thanks or is it thanks to STV), but this is a classic film for all its worth.

With the unavailability of carbon dating evidence I’ll just estimate and say it was produced in nineteen ninety-what ever year such home video classics as living in bondage, living in bondage and living in bondage were released (ok. I don’t know any other good Naija films from that era, do you?). Now what really makes this movie standout from all the garbage that was produced in that period (and has been eternally churned out in monstrous proportions ever since) is the acting, its brilliant and I’m not being sarcastic. Marks love interest; played by Ghanaian actress Kalson Bofei (I’m sure its not spelt that way) is the stunningly gap-toothed Matilda. “Ghanaian?” you ask. Well the plot thickens cause a lot of Ghanaian actors appear in this movie and a few Kwames into the film it becomes obvious that this is a collaborative effort, filmed in Ghana (so that wasn’t Ibadan zoo!), between the naija movie industry (I’ll rather die than acknowledge the corny-ass term “Nollywood”) and Ghollywood! So as expected from the most eloquent of Africans “Cherch” replaces “Church”, “I-yen” replaces “Iron”, Feck replaces… yes, you guessed it. To this reviewer though, that was a minor distraction considering the quality of their acting.

This film also features Liz Benson (as Nina) who I have had the privileged of being neighbors with. Yes, she did live about fifty houses away from us for like four years, and I never got to lay eyes on her once in all that time…but we had an unspoken connection. If she still looks the way she does in this film then she’s definitely top5 on my list of potential M.I.L.Fs (see American pie for dumb pop culture references). I spoke.

Skipping all the corny black and white flashbacks; some of the most realistic vomit and blood ever on Nigerian television, EVER; the 3 trench coat wearing, Talab Abbass looking dudes that were Nina’s fathers bone crushing bodyguards. They were more reminiscent of Mirinda’s 3 orange men (cheap early 90s marketing ploy) with their synchronized movements, baldheads and stiff necks……I miss my childhood (in an un-Michael Jackson way).

I’m back. And this is the roller coaster of a plot. Hold on to your tampons ladies:

Mark loves Matilda, he’s rich, she’s broke (somebody say cliché!) plus her mums a tomato seller. Tomatoes in this movie seem to be employed in an extended metaphor, which I was either too dimwitted to grasp, or maybe, just maybe it was a product of my overactive imagination (At age 5 I found the answer to all of life’s questions in a box of Yum-Yum: A possible future blog). Now Nina (Liz Benson) loves mark and she is the spoilt, doe-eyed, tantrum throwing, scorned-lover equipped with a super-rich father with the power to get her anything she wants (I need one of those) and this sadly includes marks skinny ass.

By means of some of the most impressive photo editing since the “George Bush shags Tony Blair” sex pictures, Mark’s mother helps break-up her sons relationship with, in her own words, “the tometo sellers deghter”. All this conniving is done while mark recovers from a car accident that occurs 2 scenes after walking out on his mother with one of the films most quotable lines:

“Mother I’m not scared of losing your wealth. I’m more scared of you losing my love.”

Cute.

As the story goes Mark dumps Matilda, marries Nina. A few months later Nina’s rich and powerful parents die in a plane crash (announced rather cunningly between adverts for upcoming Nollywood-Ghollywood collaborations- cheers to the screenwriting, marketing strategist Kofi something). So after 2 memorable scenes the 3 bald men sadly disappear. But the plot thickens; as Matilda finds out she’s pregnant with marks son… ehen! (Introduced by a horridly graphic morning sickness scene…ewww! that would have made a good ‘use a condom’ ad). Then she sadly (not as sad as the departure of the Talab Abasses) dies during childbirth…awww!

So 7 years later, I’m sure you guessed it, mark and Nina are yet to consummate their marriage…ooooh! (I’ll stop that now). This leads to another quotable exchange between mark and his mum.

Scene- mark in the middle of a flight of stairs, mum at the foot, feet…whatever (subtle gen-gen soundtrack music in the background):

Mum- I was just about to come upstairs to talk to you! (Was sounds like wez, mark like mek etc.)

Mark-Is there a problem mother? (In a loving, caring, might-still-be-a-virgin tone)

Mum-Of course there is a problem!

Mark-What is the matter mother? Have I offended you? (Still playing the wuss)

Mum- (emotional outbursted-not a real word) ITS BEEN SEVEN YEARS NOW! HOW LONG MUST I WAIT? DO YOU WANT TO SEND ME TO MY GRAVE WITHOUT LETTING ME SEE MY GRANDCHILD? YOU MUST DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT NOW!!! (Yes, she said it all bold and with CAPS LOCK on)

Mark-I…(speechless but his face says what the “feck”!)

So to please mother Mark starts kpanshing (new word courtesy of Toritseju click click!- I would have normally used the less offensive phrase “****ing **** ******s!”) outside his marital home and he gets conned into believing his new kpansh is pregnant with his child. On discovering his mistress’s deceit he is struck with even more kpanshingly bad news, in the words of his creative arts degree holding “decter”: “your spine was damaged during the accident, and this affected your reproductive system!” this got me thinking about the connection between spinal fluid and sperm?!

To put the icing on this set of unfortunate events, Nina in a bid to get the mother-in-law-from-hell off her case, kpanshes one of marks friends and successfully get pregnant. Her philandering ways are obviously discovered (spinal fluid can’t do that type of magic) and she’s unceremoniously kicked out of the house and the movie (while I try hard not to picture her in a foursome with the Abbases…is that a stirring in my loins. NOOOooo!!!)

The next dramatic scene which opens with some extremely horrific close ups has Mark threatening (unconvincingly) to commit suicide, this causes his mother to confess to her evil Photoshop ways, with the aid of those corny black and white flashbacks I mentioned earlier. Now with a much-needed change in pace, Marks sole purpose becomes his attempts to reclaim his tomato-selling son…Kwame! Flying tomatoes from Matilda’s mother puts a temporary halt to things. But that is nothing a mediating catholic priest (strange thing with his neon green shirt though…is that orthodox?) cant put an end to. With the two mothers confrontational scene out of the way and just when you start to imagine everybody lives happily ever after. Kwame is knocked down by a car, while trying to cross the road to join this scenic scene, and is killed (more cinematically correct blood on display here). Father holds dead son in arms. Freeze frame. And in the fashion of most Nigerian home videos: TO GOD BE THE GLORY . Credits roll by pretty fast, but not too fast for me to spot 4 Kofis, 3 Kwames and one Kwame Kofi. And the director Ifeanyi Oyeabor just won over a new fan.

VERDICT: A Classic. Besides a plot, judging by two hit and runs, that relies on the believability of Ghanaians being more reckless drivers than we Nigerians are (an impossibility) this is a must see flick that shows, if nothing else at all, that Nigeria needs Ghana for things other than qualitative primary education (shout-outs to Mr. Antwi, Mr. Azari, Mr. Maxwell and the headmaster whose name I don’t remember but I’ll put my money on kofi…kwame…May-Day kiddy land for life y’all!!!)

OTHER NOTABLES:

1. The unlucky in love mechanic who is totally ignored and insulted by Matilda during the course of the film was always available for those genius moments of comic relief. He gets additional credit for cracking one joke too many to have saved Matilda’s life.

2. Hair dos reminiscent of your mum in the 90’s (personal flashback: watching that famous episode of The Rich Also Cry where everyone cried, at the hair-dressers with mummy).

3. A soundtrack (obviously provided by Ghanaian artists) that doesn’t oversell the story like most naija home video soundtracks do. A sound bite from a typical naija soundtrack artist would play like this:

“Marks wicked mother (la, la, la, la)

Why did you doctor those pictures

Of the mechanic and the tomato sellers daughter…”

Lol…I’ve heard worse, seriously. With that said don’t change the channel if this movie ever comes on again. And if you ever see it on VHS or VCD cop that shit. SUPPORT YOUR OWN and your neighbors. Peace. And if you do see and don’t think it’s as good as I say then write your own review!!! Goodnight.